Wednesday, 1 February 2017

When life gives you lemons...

What a horrible day to be lying in hospital in isolation.
Actually everyday has been awful for that, but today especially, today,  16th January marks 2 years since we lost Lucas, something that almost destroyed our marriage but somehow also made it stronger.  

This year I knew we'd be unable to visit his grave, but I have thought a lot about what we could do from Cyprus, just the 3 of us. Maybe we'd be able to get some Chinese lanterns, or maybe we could go to the beach and let a balloon go. In reality it doesn't really matter what we do, I just like to be together and mark it in some way, it makes me feel as though I've done something for him, when I wasn't able to before.

Oscar's premature birth told me instantly this year would be different.  Despite the worry of his health and how long he would be in NICU, he was here, we had our miracle and if I had to spend 2 or 20 weeks only being allowed to see him for an hour a day then that was fine, because he was here.
But just when you think you've had enough heartache, life just catapults another load of shit your way.

Thursday 12th January - I was admitted to the Polyclinic, with pneumonia. Fantastic, now I'm 1.5 hours away from Oscar and there's absolutely no chance of me visiting.  However, things began to look brighter when there was talk of me being discharged on Saturday.  When Saturday morning came, I felt much better.  I had no pain and I was feeling upbeat and excited to get on the road to Nicosia. The door opened and it was filled with darkness in the form of my consultant, a fantastic consultant just not here to deliver the news I'd hoped for. I'd be staying all weekend, at least... WHY? MRSA.   M R S A.

Now I've been feeling pretty rubbish since waking up from my cesarean, aside from barely being able to walk, I've been experiencing fevers, chest pain, a horrible cough, and my stomach was in pain more excruciating than I've ever known.  These symptoms, have been there from day one and no one listened, the countless times I was telling them I was unwell, and no one listened. I was even sent back to Nicosia hospital and they proceeded to tell me I had the flu and my cesarean section was absolutely fine.

So here I am in a quarantined room, not allowed to see Brett or Emelia and not actually feeling like I'm getting better.   Scrolling through Facebook I see a plethora of photos and status' and it got me thinking, when did we all become so entitled. We are a generation of entitled individuals desperately competing to have the best career, or the best marriage, the latest gadgets and toys, and everything else money can buy. We all think we are destined for something better, that we deserve something better. I haven't known whether to cry or punch someone, I'm devasted and furious all at once, but as I lie here at 1.34am I have only one feeling, gratitude. The 3 most important people in my life are safe, healthy, and albeit not altogether, being looked after. You can take all of my worldly possessions, because all I need and all I want is to be able to annoy Brett by pushing my feet on him to massage, to sit and cuddle Emelia, play and read or watch The Jungle Book for the 400th time.  To finally hold my baby boy, for as long as I want to, without someone taking him away or telling me my time is up.  I want to find out what his baby smell is, to sit and stare at him and take in every last detail, to be woken up by his cry at 2, 3, 4am and for me to be the one to soothe him and rock him back to sleep.  I want to do all of the things I spend my life complaining about and stop doing things to please other people.  I may have missed a couple weeks of Emelia's and most of Oscar's life but I will spend the rest of theirs ensuring I don't miss another moment. I'll be grateful for the good days, and the, terrible two's, why has my child turned into satan, hide in the cupboard scoffing chocolate kind of days.

So as cliche as this'll sound, stop reading this blog post, or looking on social media and go and spend time with the people that matter most to you. It's time that goes by so quickly and it's time you can't get back.
Original post 16th January 2017

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